Post Boards Trauma

 This was something I wrote while feeling particularly dramatic and emotional (so around March but only got the courage to post it now) but it's all true. If you've ever written boards you're probably gonna relate and if you don't then congrats, you escaped the trauma of the Indian Education System...

 

BOARDS SUCK. Or more like the aftermath of boards is even worse. You see everyone says its fine, look forward to the end of boards. You’ll be free you won’t be stressed, etc, etc, etc.

The reality is a bit less glamorous. Yes you are free of boards and yes you’re not stressed. BUT, what they don’t tell you is that boards and 10^th screws up your mentality to the point that your entire identity becomes associated with how well you do in exams and how much you study.

So therefore, when boards did end, yeah I enjoyed the first few days and then I realized I felt like shit. I didn’t really know what to do now that I wasn’t studying. It’s like I had all this free time and instead of relaxing, I felt guilty as hell. I know none of this makes sense but honestly it felt like a part of me was missing now that my entire day wasn’t consumed with thoughts of studying, what to study, when to study, how I couldn’t take breaks and well you get the point. Who was I without the countless hours of studying, the sleepless nights and the never-ending stress. Being forced to study the entire year ended with me feeling like my entire personality started and ended with boards.

So, in a nutshell I was having a mid-life crisis at the age of 15, almost 16. Ain’t that fun!

Now I do know this sounds beyond dramatic, even for me but I there’s no other way to describe the way I felt post boards.

My friend described it in this way:

“CBSE put us through hell for boards and now heaven feels like a scam”.

And she was right in a way. The so called “heaven” I was promised ended up being one of the weirdest and worst weeks of my life.

The aimlessness I felt and the way I felt like an unproductive piece of shit made me miserable to the point where I was actually crying almost every day.

I had earned every bit of relaxation after having studied the entire year for boards along with the 2 months of intense studying that honestly drained everything out of me, BUT I COULDN’T BRING MYSELF TO RELAX WITHOUT BUCKET LOADS OF GUILT ACCOMPANYING IT.

Everything in my academic life from the time I was in the 1^st grade was geared towards boards. 10 years of my life all I ever heard was the importance of “BOARDS”. Now that it was over, why did I feel so horrible. The amount of sheer exhaustion I felt made me realize how much I’d been holding back because I couldn’t afford to get distracted.

Honestly, this is just a testament to the absolute bullshit that is the Indian education system. I was repressing normal human emotions so that I could focus on an EXAM. Does anybody realize how insane that is? The amount of pressure put on kids is enough to make anyone curl up sobbing, but we’re just supposed to somehow deal with it?!

All the adults say that they’ve been through it too, but that doesn’t make it any better or even remotely okay.

I stopped being excited for my BIRTHDAY which was almost immediately after boards because I couldn’t shake the horrible feeling of despair that had clung to me since boards ended. I hadn’t felt this sort of low since lock-down originally started back in 2020.

I had worked for so long towards a purpose and had such determination and motivation and now it was all gone. I didn’t have a new purpose and that just made me beyond frustrated.

I’m honestly crying just writing this and damn that makes me realize how traumatic the experience really was. Honestly, I don’t know if anyone can understand the way my batch of 10^th felt because we were the first batch since COVID struck that actually wrote full portion offline boards.

I’m just tired right now and yeah I wish everyone who writes boards the best of luck because well you’re gonna need it. The aftermath is in some ways even worse than the actual event and that’s kind of heart-breaking because when did it become so bad that even taking a break became a source of stress.

 

 

 

 

© 2023, Anika Agarwal. All rights reserved.

Shatter Me, by Tahereh Mafi - Review

Shatter Me, by Tahereh Mafi

(Kindle)

Shatter Me is one of many in the dystopian YA romance genre. It is the first book of a 6 book series and it wasn’t quite as promising as I’d hoped it would be. 

The book is told from the perspective of Juliette, a 17-year-old girl whose touch is fatal. Having accidentally caused the death of a boy a few years back, Juliette has been locked up the Reestablishment – the government that had taken control of an Earth rapidly hurtling towards destruction. Locked up alone for almost 3 years, Juliette’s life is turned around when she’s given a roommate one day. A boy named Adam Kent. With Adam’s arrival come a slew of changes that transform her life forever. 

When Breath Becomes air

 

When Breath Becomes air, by Paul Kalanithi

(Amazon link)

I can’t go on. I’ll go on” – Samuel Beckett

I don’t think I will ever relate to a quote as much as I did to this one. This quote sums up the book in more ways than one.

When brilliant neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi is diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, just months from finishing his residency, his life is turned upside down. A man who spent all his time searching for the meaning behind life and the truth about death is brought face to face with it by a cruel twist of fate. His bright and shining future is snuffed out by a single blow. Forced to come to terms with his own mortality, this book delves into Paul’s journey of acceptance over the span of two years, from the time of his diagnosis to his untimely demise.

At first glance, to some this book may seem to be sad and rather depressing, but it is SO much more than that.

“When Breath Becomes Air” may quite literally be one of the most beautifully written books I’ve ever read. It exudes rawness and sincerity with every page. The last few years of a person’s life are chronicled so beautifully that you can’t help but fall in love with its pure honesty.

I wouldn’t say I’m a very emotional person when I read books, but this one broke through my barriers and reached parts of me I didn’t even know existed. The epilogue written by his wife after his demise was probably one of the only things in the world of literature that has ever made me tear up.

The title itself is a testament to the true meaning behind the book. It was probably one of the first things that made me pick it up and I’m so glad I did.

People always say they have things that inspire them or keep them going. However, when it comes to this book, inspiration would probably be insufficient to describe my relationship with it.

 It was arguably the reason I ever got interested in medicine, and cancer specifically. The numerous cases described in it were so fascinating. The book doesn’t shy away from the difficult parts of medicine and the truth about being a doctor. Reading it helped me realize what my passion was and confirmed that I really and truly did want to get into medicine, no matter how hard it was.

It helped me come to the realization that if I wanted to do something, I needed to do it.. I may not get another chance and well I should probably take it (right?). I learnt not to care too much about other people’s opinions because the chances were that I wouldn’t meet them again and I couldn’t cater MY life to someone else’s expectations. Life is SHORT and I wasn’t going to spend it in a daze of anxiety and constant overthinking (at least I was going to try).

Ultimately, the message that I took away, comes down the quote I mentioned at the start. The quote became Paul’s mantra in the last years of his life and in some ways it is also mine.

It’s so true because even when I felt like couldn’t do something, I realized I didn’t have a choice. Being a high-schooler in India is NOT a walk in the park, throw in COVID and you’ve got yourself quite a mess. But even when my stress levels were at an all-time high, I somehow persevered and got through it. This was because I didn’t have any other options since I couldn’t really stop living could I?

No matter how hard things seemed, I knew they HAD to get better at some point.

It’s impossible to put into words how grateful I am for this book.

So remember, even when life is being especially hard on you just take the advice of this book and you’ll soon find that every cloud truly does have a silver lining.

“I can’t go on. I’ll go on”

 

 

• Publisher ‏ : ‎ Vintage (5 January 2017)
• Language ‏ : ‎ English
• Paperback ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
• ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781784701994
• ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1784701994

 © 2022, Anika Agarwal. All rights reserved.

Shopping

This was just something I wrote when I was bored one day. It's a rather dramatic and comical take on an everyday situation, so i hope you enjoy....

 

I open my eyes and as I scan the crowd, I know this is not going to be an easy mission. Much like the bulls of ancient Rome, I dig my toes in and scan the area for any and all possible escape routes. I ignore the shoving and pushing all around me and tune out the noise. Everything fades until all I can see is my destination. I can almost visualize neon arrows tracing my path for me. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for what would be one of the fastest and most dangerous races of my life.

Within seconds of leaving the frozen food aisle of D-Mart, I’m shoved against a shelf as a horde of shoppers stampede past me in an attempt to get the 50% off soaps and shampoos. My fingers quickly turning numb from the frozen items in my hand, I attempt to maneuver my way out of the discount crazed crowd. Luck is however not on my side, and I find myself pressed against a shelf for the second time in five minutes. The culprit this time is the announcement of a new discount on the sale of towels on the second floor. As my lungs are crushed, black spots appear in front of my eyes from the oxygen deprivation. My life seems to flash in front of my eyes, and I’m transported to ten minutes ago when I had been innocently waiting at the checkout counter. I can still remember the panic in my mother’s eyes when she realized we had forgotten to buy any curd or cheese. The look of anguish on her face had been enough to propel me into action. I had bravely volunteered to carry out the task for her and now I am minutes from death.

When I’m almost on the verge of blacking out, the crowd finally thins and for a few seconds I can see my mother scanning the crowd hoping to see me bringing her the precious curd and cheese that I had so foolishly ventured into the throng of shoppers for.

I take yet another steadying breath and push my way into the crowd once more. This time I am determined not to let anything, or anyone get in my way. Shopping carts are pushed out of the way, and I become one of the crowd as I join them in the ritual of elbowing that seems to be such an intrinsic part of them.

With an enormous lunge, I am finally clear of the aisles. As I gasp for air, my heart sinks as I realise the hardest part is far from over. For now, I have the most treacherous section of the store to cross – the narrow strip between the aisles and the checkout counter where EVERYTHING became an obstacle. I am now in a race against time. My competitors - the shopping carts that appear out of nowhere, the staff members walking with all the speed and inclination of a dead walrus, and the screaming children being pulled away from the toys by their exasperated mothers.

The cold of the items in my hand have numbed my fingers to such an extent that I can’t them anymore. Frostbite means nothing though, when the end is so near. Ultimately, it is the desperation in my mother’s gaze as she lifts the final few items from her cart onto the counter as sluggishly as possible in order to give me more time, that gives me the strength to launch myself into the fray. 

Dodge, duck and roll a trolley out of the way. Lunge, lean and leap over an abandoned basket. Pirouette, push and turn to avoid the incoming employee.  I’m almost there, I can nearly touch the counter with my fingertips if I stretch when I suddenly find myself flying into the air and falling on my ass with a resounding smack. All the items fly in the air, and I groan out loud when I see the fallen bag of fruit that caused my fall. With a bruised ego and bruised well everything, I lift myself up and try to limp way to my mother with what’s left with my dignity, when I feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise. I turn around with fear and trepidation in my eyes and find a horde of around 20 aunties coming towards me as they walk to a destination on the opposite side of the store. In a few seconds they would be on me, and I would be back to square one.

I have had enough at this point. Battered and bruised in more than a few places, my brain goes into overdrive, trying to figure out possible solutions. With steely eyes and a fiery determination, I get down on my knees and resort to the only option. Before I know it, I’m safe. YES, I army crawled/Mission Impossible-d my way to the other side. I’m just in time as not a second later the aunties pass me, their high-pitched giggles making my ears pop.

After they leave tears of relief spring to my eyes. My horrible ordeal is FINALLY OVER.

As I look up at my mother, I see a foreign look on her face. It almost looks like pride. I stand proudly with my chest puffed out as the curd and cheese are bagged. We walk out of the store and a sense of accomplishment settles over me. I had been through hell and back, and I HAD SURVIVED. I had tapped into a strength I had never known existed.

However, as I sit in the car headed home, a feeling of dread begins settling over me. I now have a new mission. A mission that would require a different kind of bravery. I cringe as I imagine my mother’s reaction when she finds the six pack of coffee I had slipped in when she had turned away………………………

 

 

 

 

 © 2022, Anika Agarwal. All rights reserved.

Verity, by Colleen Hoover - Review

Verity, by Colleen Hoover

(Amazon link)

Breathe in… 

Breathe out… 

It is JUST just a book.

Slam said book shut every five seconds to take a break from its pure intensity.

Resumes reading anyways.

Ohmygodnonononono… Don’tpleasedon’tdothat

Reach the end.

WHATINTHEWO-

Finish the book and stare at the ceiling in shock, trying to process everything that just happened.

This Mortal Coil, by Emily Suvada - Review

This Mortal Coil, by Emily Suvada

(Amazon, Simon & Schuster)

 

To say I’m not the biggest fan of the YA (Young Adult) genre would be a fairly accurate statement. In YA books, I find the romance quite often overwhelms the actual plot, and the personalities of the characters seem to be based entirely around their relationships. I realised a while back that this genre was just not for me. That being said, I recently discovered a YA book that wasn’t quite like the rest. 

Without further ado, let me introduce you to ‘This Mortal Coil’. Set in a world plagued by a lethal airborne virus, commonly known as Hydra, the plot centres around Catarina “Cat” Agatta. A series of flashbacks show that Cat was the daughter of Lachlan Agatta, the designer of the Influenza X vaccine and one of the world's best geneticists and foremost authorities on DNA. In a world where people are born with inbuilt panels, which they subsequently use to hack their genes, Lachlan’s knowledge was an invaluable resource. After the outbreak of Hydra, he had been kidnapped by Cartaxus, the government organization that had sprung up after the start of the worldwide pandemic. Cartaxus hoped that he would be able to recreate his previous work and come up with a vaccine against the Hydra virus before everyone was dead. As her father and best friend were dragged away by the Cartaxus forces, Cat managed to evade capture by hiding in the panic room of the house. 

That was more than two years ago. 

The Kind Worth Killing - Review

The Kind Worth Killing, by Peter Swanson

(Amazon, Kindle)

 I got this book for my birthday, and from the blurb it seemed like a typical thriller/murder mystery. And I was sort of right. You’ll soon see why. Right off the bat, I immediately got a ‘Strangers on a Train’ vibe (one of the most chilling movies I’ve ever seen..., but I’m getting off topic here). 

Two complete strangers that happen to end up in the same place start up a conversation. A seemingly casual conversation that ends up altering their lives forever. Lily Hayward is an enigmatic stranger that Ted Severson can’t help but open up to. Every personal detail about his life and his marital problems are spilt in a second. Even his darkest secret that he never imagined he would ever reveal comes out in front of Lily, the beautiful stranger he’s inexplicably drawn to. Then again, Lily talks little and unveils even less about herself, hence making her the ideal audience. Their conversation seems innocent enough. However, it takes a dark turn when Lily offers to put an end to Ted’s problem once and for all. Ted, though initially shocked, quickly realizes she’s serious. The more he thinks about it, the more entranced he gets. Soon, he is unable to refuse. Together, Lily and Ted begin hatching a plan to solve his problem. This was no ordinary conversation, and nothing was as simple as seemed. You see, the two of them were planning a murder. A murder that would end in the death of Ted’s wife, Miranda. 

My Diwali photos - 2021

Diwali, also known as the festival of lights. A day to celebrate the triumph of good over evil and light over darkness. This festival is celebrated all over in India, but especially in North India, which is where I’m from. I love Diwali for two reasons. The first obviously being firecrackers (firecrackers are awesome and that’s that). 

The other reason that I love Diwali is that it presents quite a few opportunities to take beautiful pictures. Diwali is celebrated over two days, but the main festival is celebrated on a new moon night. The pitch-black night with softly glowing diyas, and firecrackers lighting up the sky, is simply *chef’s kiss*. The number of photo opportunities is therefore infinite. I have been trying to learn photography for about a year now. I would love to say that I am good or even decent, but that would be a lie. However, I got out the camera and snapped some shots on both days, hoping to get at least a few nice ones. Let me say that I was not prepared for how good they came out. Usually when I take pictures, maybe 5 out of 30 aren’t completely terrible. This time, almost all of them were so good that I was shocked. Now again, when I say, “so good”, I mean compared to my what I usually produce. They aren’t anything special or world class, but I still like them as this was my first time getting a bunch of decent pictures. Now onto the pictures themselves.

These were taken on the first day of Diwali. They involved me getting up close and personal with the diyas. I’m not even kidding when I say the camera was in very real danger of catching on fire. They were some of the first pictures I took and mainly involved a lot of experimentation as this was the first time I was taking pictures at night. I’m mostly happy with how they came out. I just wished that I had composed them better. Right now, they look a little messy and all over the place. It isn’t clear what exactly I’m trying to show in the first two. 

 These pictures were again taken on the same day as the previous ones. These are all of a really beautiful diya holder which is in the shape of a Ganesha. It was kept on a table and the garland of flowers wrapped around it, provided an opportunity for some really soft, glowing pictures. With these pictures, I knew exactly what I wanted. I’ve noticed that in most of my pictures I really love having a shallow depth of field. That is evident in all of these pictures. The one really bad habit I had while taking these pictures was that I could NEVER hold the camera straight. Therefore, most of them came out wonky and unusable. Even in these you can notice the slant of the pictures towards the left. 

 

 

 We are back to me completely invading the personal space of these diyas. These pictures had me lying on the floor with the camera lens an inch away from the flame. They were taken on the next day, that is the main day when Diwali is celebrated. Again, the shallow depth of field is very clear in these pictures. I learnt how to compose my pictures in a better way and therefore I liked these ones a lot more than the first group. These are some of my favorite pictures of the night. 

 

 

These pictures are exactly what they look like. I saw some candles on a table and thought they looked pretty. I played around a bit with how to frame them, because the flames looked very cool, especially since the background was completely black. I wanted to show the glow and highlight the pink of the candle. However, trying to show that on camera was HARD and unimaginably painful. What you are seeing are some of my better attempts. 

Now, we come too my favorites aka the firecracker photos. Taking these photos was probably the most nerve-wracking thing I’ve ever done. Firstly, this was my dad’s camera I was using, so the pressure to keep it in pristine condition was immense. Secondly, although I’m not scared of crackers, the loud bangs startled me enough that I nearly tripped several times, and therefore almost dropped the camera (my DAD’S camera). Thirdly, trying to take the pictures without getting burnt was like trying to take a bath without getting wet. Otherwise known as trying to achieve the impossible. The fact that I actually got some decent pictures is something I will always be proud of, because it was NOT easy. The trick with these pictures was to underexpose all your shots. You couldn’t do too much because otherwise the pictures would come out dull and muted, you also couldn’t do too little as they would then come washed out. You had to focus on the brightest part and then take the picture. The best way is to use a zoom lens, as it’s the only safe way of getting these pictures. 

 

 

 

 

 Don’t ask me what I was trying to achieve in this picture. The honest to god answer is I DON’T KNOW. I don’t even remember taking this picture. It was only later when I was going through the camera did I find this. I know that I took it since my dad and I were the only ones using the camera and since his hand is in the picture, it had to have been me who took it. I honestly don’t even know where I was standing or what I was doing when I took this picture. This photo will forever remain a mystery to me. 

We finally come to my two most favorite pictures that I took over the course of both days. I again knew what I wanted in both of them, but I was sorely unprepared for how pretty they came out. Like I mentioned, almost all the pictures came out wayyy better than I expected. In the first one, what surprised me was how sharp the image came out. It didn’t appear as sharp through the viewfinder and therefore I was pleasantly surprised by the end result. The second picture is of a flowerpot. Just before and just after it explodes, a small flame comes out of it. I wanted to capture this small flame, when the flowerpot had just started to spark. I took the picture and got what I wanted. The unexpected element in this, were the small softly glowing embers floating all around it. They just added an extra something to the picture and I loved it.

All the Diwali pictures you see, involved a lot of experimentation and a TON of completely unusable pictures as well. Some of these pictures were complete accidents. However, I’m happy with them as I’m still learning, and these are honestly not bad for a beginner. 

 

  © 2021, Anika Agarwal. All rights reserved.